Interracial Dating: The Stigma and The Pride

The concept of interracial dating – when one person from certain racial and cultural background dating other person with different racial and cultural background, has been around for quite a long time and seems like it is here to stay. And by the way, I am currently in one at the moment (not that like I’ve ever been in a non-interracial relationship ever for that matter). As a person who is very much open and highly interested in being exposed to whole new cultures and experiences, every past relationship I have, it was always been with someone out of the culture I grew up in. It seems like the kind of relationship that works for me (and yes darling, I assure you interracial dating is definitely not for everyone), but even with everything means to make dating simpler and easier nowadays, my partner and me are still facing obstacles and insecurities here and there and we sure are not the only one.

When I dated my first boyfriend, a sweet Dutch guy, I worried about how the relationship would play out with our families and friends. And the one thing that I didn’t really understand at that time was how it would play out between us two. Both of our parents back then were very supportive of the little thing we were building and learning each other’s cultures was very stimulating and definitely helped nourishing the relationship, but there are certain not so pretty things, cultural and racial wise, we both got used to grow up with. We both tried to fight it in our own way and when that didn’t work, we had serious conversations about it. We sat it right beside the pretty and figure out how we’re going to live with it. And at the end, when the relationship didn’t work out, it’s not because of the ugly games that ‘our differences’ play between us.

When I read the blog or hear stories of other interracial couples, I rarely hear about the ugly. I don’t hear about how small difference in cultural habits could potentially cause big misunderstanding and fights. Instead, I hear odes to colorblind love and admiration for white people who dared the exclusion of their white friends and families – something you don’t hear about the other non-white partners because society presumes that dating the whites is a come up, not a downgrade.

Being in an interracial relationship nowadays might not be as challenging as it was back then (thanks to the improvement of our social environment), but the big ol’ questions are still there. Whenever I shrug off my dear parents question regarding of building up a family, they sometimes bring up the fact that I nearly never dated someone with the same cultural background as mine and use it as the one and only reason of why marriage seems to never occupy my mind. Honestly, the constant ‘stigma’ that I date someone way out of my league or ‘caste’ or that I’m the one being fully dominated and taken advantages of is exhausting. And I’m not in a position to create a double standard here either – not after hearing someone bluntly threw judgment on one of my ex boyfriends and labeled him as having a ‘yellow fever’ for dating me.

I have been surrounded by words like “wrong caste”, “wrong culture” or “wrong religion” – when all I am doing is love other human being, just like what others in infatuation do. For me, the biggest obstacle coming from this ‘race card’ being pulled out when there are problems happening in the relationship and making it coming to a dead end, when in fact, the relationship didn’t work because it faces similar problems that fail any other types of relationship as well. It is surprisingly harder to tell people that different racial background itself won’t shake the entire boat of relationship unless you let problems related to it being unsolved and festered.

Neither you nor the society could decide whom you should fall in love with. For whoever of you is in an interracial union, don’t try to pretend that you don’t have problems and be very loud and clear with your partners and your loved ones on how to solve one that you’re currently having at the moment. I always try to be a good team player for my partner in maintaining our relationship and having no trust issues definitely helps nourishing ours in a big way.

After the obstacles being overcame, comes the most beautiful part. Engaging in an interracial relationship is a form of forever teaching and learning for me. You’ll probably have to keep on reminding each other of the usage of some words in a language the other is still trying to grasp on or that recipe of all-time-favorite dinner dish you grew up with that your partner surprisingly likes very much. And (a little more than) sometimes, you feel like banging your head against the wall. But stick with the process – your patience will be rewarded. Your partner might ask things that you feel are ignorant but by asking those stuffs, they actually acknowledge that they don’t know everything and such questions come from a good place that they want to know things and make it work.

You might think that it’s a tumultuous thing to find the right person to do this with, but hey everybody in search of a truly good and nourishing relationship faces it as well. You’ll face backlash and other people’s racism here and there but also the opportunity of exposing yourself in trying bunch of new cultural experiences. While me and my partner sometimes still have passionately opposing opinions, we do share one trait in common: Neither of us knows the people we will be tomorrow and we are excited of what will the upcoming paths shape us into and where will it takes us.